Actually, everything wasn’t so bad as I thought. Ah hah, I used to
imagine about myself crying badly missing my honey who is happily
snoring on the airplane. Not that fast, honey, not that fast! The day
he went away, I was ok from top to toe. There’s no messy hair, no
panda-bear eyes, no torn clothes (Ahem, what do you think?). Well, I
was still working and I had to look disciplined all the times. And
well, trust me, I am doing so bloody well in hiding my true emotion. I
will cry, yeah, I will cry, but wait, not now.

I was in
Vietnam Airlines Office when he was waving goodbye to his family and
the rest of the group who went to see him off. Everybody must have been
surprised because “She’s his girlfriend. Why isn’t she here to hug him
or kiss him goodbye?”. In reality, yeah, I wasn’t there despite their
expectation.

He gave me a call and we chatted for about half
an hour merely about the airport outburst. I guess I could talk more
this way because if I was in the airport, I would probably cry and
couldn’t say anything. I think it was better this way.

I
went through a few emotional outbursts but until now, I found myself
still okay to move on. Around me, with his absence, life is still going
on. Sometimes, in just a blink, everything has just become meaningless
but after a sleep, I felt myself lifted up again. When I was at the
peak of the emotional storm, I wrote something like this:

“Not
actually away but yeah, we’re physically apart. I thought I would be
strong both mentally and emotionally but everything was not going the
way I wish. I was so tired to seek for work to forget about the
missing-somebody feeling. Leaving the office at 7pm
everyday, I became such a meaningless piece of flesh with an empty
mind. I am scared whenever the night comes. I don’t like to stay alone,
never! But at night, I am now sitting alone staring at the stupid
screen of my Seth – the laptop.

‘When you love someone, you’ve gotta learn to let them go…’

I’ve
learnt to let you go and the day you went away was the way I started
suffering the loneliness and emptiness completely alone. You have the
whole new world ahead to explore, to taste, to see, to like and to
love. I thought I would be so accustomed to it but it ain’t no easy for
me. I couldn’t stop thinking about you slowly forget about me
struggling at home. Why? Because it happened the same way to me when I
was oversea back then.

‘Sometimes life’s a bitch!’

How
I love that sentence! Things don’t go the way I want and it’s so
disappointing to notice. I broke down and cried almost every night when
I realized it is so difficult to love someone and let that person goes
away from my arms. It’s bitter. It’s hurtful. It’s… Perhaps I should
stop whining before I can burst out crying myself a river all over
again. But yeah, sometimes life’s a bitch!”

I
planned to send what I’ve written to him but think again, he didn’t
deserve to receive those bitter words. Somehow, I just need some time
to pour everything out, for goodness sake. I kept them to myself. And
now I’m okay (Faster than I expected!).

Now, glancing through my
own schedule, I am preparing for a vacation after working so damn hard
for this season. Another sales season is gonna start real soon and I’ve
gotta go and reward myself a short vacation to release all the
intensive stress I’ve got from my lovely customers and my lovely job.
I’m gonna sign up for a gym club to get myself healthier as I promised
him. You should be glad, darling, cos’ I am shaping my body up. And
you’ve gotta crave for me. Wmahahahhaha (Evil laugh).

Yeah,
nothing can stop me and a lot of things are waiting for me ahead. I
cannot just sit there and chew up my own so-thought misery because I am
not miserable. You’ve gotta be proud of me, honey, you will be proud of
me!