Sometimes, you need to live for yourself a bit!

That’s what my flatmate told me 4 days ago when we went out for a couple of beers with my empty stomach.

And that’s what my close friend in Hungaria told me when we chatted 2 days ago in the middle of the night.

Something must be very wrong with me. I didn’t make any excuses… You may wonder why.

I was found to be weak whenever I fall in love with someone (or I think I fall in love with someone). It was proven that I could do everything fo that guy without thinking twice. I ended up hurting myself or just feeling uphappy for a long while.

“Think back a little, you were so happy and perky when you were single. How about your feeling now?”

“Uhm”

“Say it!”

“A bit unsured, a bit worried and a bit unhappy”

“So you’re unhappy lah”

And I wondered why my flatmate said so…

“Dump him, you have no excuse to cling on him (plus he’s not here for you to cling on). You have no reason to indulge him with the idea that you will stay alone not thinking of other guys out there while you have no idea who he hangs out with (not to say he betrays you but who knows?)”

Does that make any sense?

Mom asked me this

“Which type of men do you like?”

“Mature and able to understand and share with me”

“You know what? Men can share with you but they never understand you.”

“Hmn?”

Something must be very wrong with me, again. I am unhappy about the relationship I am in. The distance is one thing but my joy about a lot of things has been flushed out by him. Sharing about the job is regarded “complaining”. Informing about the week events is considered “Being negative”. Asking for the info shared from the other end is meant to be “demanding”. Uhm… Was I understood?

You guess!

Now the relationship is on the verge of breaking as we couldn’t find the same way to walk and talk anymore. All the hope once put up with smiles has now been pulled down with a long sigh.

I kept quiet.

“He has something to work on his attitude, dear. I can’t find myself to respect him. And from the beginning, I couldn’t understand why you liked him that much”

Or was I day-dreaming?

“He needs to prioritize his wants and wills, whether he wants to accept you with your not-so-moral past, or if he just wants to take revenge on you to satisfy his egoistic nature.”

“Hey, that was a bit harsh”

“But it’s true. How could he not recognize you’ve been trying hard to be with him?”

“The distance”

“Excuses”

I don’t know what else I could speak of. I think I was overloaded and didn’t know what I could believe in. Is it a test of faith or just a matrix game that I accidentally fell into?

Now I have 2 choices:

1. Hanging on there and torturing myself until I feel so dry and exhausted, not knowing what’s gonna happen.

2. Quitting to focus on something else more cheerful out there (God knows what).

Which one is more negative?

I want to have somebody who is willing to pamper me, understand me and share with me. Somebody who doesn’t mind my tummy and stubborn head (this could be a BIG issue)… et et etc….

I suddenly crave for ice-cream. Such a comforting food!

Instead I had newly bought yoghurt in the fridge.

So my dinner formula = 1 apple + fried scrambled egg + instant noodle + 1 Coke + 1 yoghurt.

I have to do something. Something new. In the end, tomorrow is the start for another long and crazy week.

Quit or not quit?

Unanswerable question.

For now.

 

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